I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
