His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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