Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I forget how to act sober
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
