I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
