the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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