Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
