FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
