it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
