I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
