I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Boobs speak an international language.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
