Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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