Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
