I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
