A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
