my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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