I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
ttyl tear gas
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
