all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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