I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
