I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I did not marry a roomba.
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