Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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