Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
