So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
