I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
