WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
