Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
