I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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