we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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