I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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