I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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