I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
