4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
