Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Still dying that you shit outside
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
