Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
