So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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