Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
