mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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