i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We're too hungover to prance.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
