I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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