my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
