when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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