dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
