I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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