girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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