She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
