so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
