i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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