Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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