The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
