I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
