The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
