the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
